Review of Personality isn't Permanent by Dr. Benjamin Hardy

Personality isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D. (Portfolio/Penguin, 2020)

This is an important book. Benjamin Hardy takes us on a rich exploration into personality and challenges the dangerous assumption that we are fixed types. This book argues powerfully that we are never merely the sum of our past. 

Hardy’s key argument is this: “[Successful people] become who they want to be by orienting their life toward their goals, not as a repeat of the past; by active bravely as their future selves, not by perpetuating who they formerly were.” (p. 9)

I’m a coach and I have used DISC, Enneagram, and Myers-Briggs assessment to help clients grow themselves and their teams. I’ve seen myself grow so I’ve always been careful not to coach people as though they are “stuck” wherever they find themselves. 

This is where Hardy’s work is so important because he writes as an expert in organizational psychology. His work provides compelling teaching on the limitations and dangers of using assessments to categorize people in ways that limit them.

There is always a fear that each of us is merely whatever our “type” is as though we are limited and defined by a self-reported score at a given moment in our history. I had a friend who was denied a promotion in a company simply because he didn’t have the DISC profile of a leader. 

Hardy helpfully dispels the myth of innate or determined personality. These tests may give us insights into our preferences or even provide a snapshot of where we are in a given moment, but it is a grave error to believe that any person is limited because they score X on a personality assessment.

Moreover Hardy presents research that demonstrates that our present and future self is not caused by our past. Or as he says in opposition to Shakespeare: the past is not prologue or at least it doesn’t have to be. Hardy writes for a reader who desires to make changes to her or his life. The good news according to Hardy’s research is that we are not limited by our past experiences. In fact, the key to a new future is our ability as humans to choose a new future and make decisions about what our past means.

Here are the the promises that Hardy makes to his reader (p. 10):

-Discover the myths of personality that limit most people’s potential

-Decide for yourself the life you want to live, regardless of how different it is from your past or present

-Become emotionally flexible so your past no longer defines you

-Reframe your trauma to believe and live like everything in your life has happened for you and not to you

-Become confident enough to define your own life’s purpose

-Create a network of “empathetic witnesses” who actively encourage your to continue moving forward through your highs and lows

-Enhance your subconscious to overcome addictions and limiting pattters

-Redesign your environment to pull you toward your future rather than keep you stuck in the past

Readers of leadership and self-improvement books will detect some of the standard coaching ingredients in the above list. But Hardy adds a key element lacking in much of the literature–his work is research based. Hardy is a recent Ph.D. graduate from a major research university (Clemson). He understands rigorous research. 

He is in a unique space because in addition to his academic credentials, he has worked hard at the craft of writing. His prose style is easy to read and substantive. Moreover he is an entrepreneur with a successful seven figure business. 

But it wasn’t always this way for Benjamin Hardy. He had a traumatizing upbringing. But he found a way forward. He has “skin in the game.” His book is a roadmap to his own journey from humble beginnings to a successful marriage, family, and business.

In other words, Dr. Hardy is a voice worth investing the time required to give Personality isn’t Permanent a careful read.

The chapters build slowly and methodically. I appreciated the illustrations of persons who moved from positions of struggle to success. As Hardy guides us, he includes questions that help us apply the lessons immediately and directly to our life so that we can move forward.

Dr. Hardy delivers on his promises. 

Key takeaways for me:

(1) We need to create labels for ourselves in light of our goals and not limit our goals to a label given us on an assessment

(2) Our personality is dependent on the environment in which we find ourselves. This book challenges us to put ourselves in environments that enhance and support our goals and not merely one’s that reinforce limiting and fixed beliefs.

(3) Personality tests “are fast food for the soul” (55). They give easy answers to explain why a person is or isn’t successful. In other words, they can serve as an excuse for taking true growth, assuming responsibility, and taking action to achieve one’s deep goals.

(4) I’m challenged anew to ask: “What do I really want? What is my highest purpose? Have I found a massive goal that will pull me out of bed everyday with purpose and passion?

(5) Need to focus on one massive goal rather than on a collection of smaller goals. Play big.

(6) Reinforced the essential role that journaling plays in growth by keeping our goals on the front burner and creating intentional space daily for deep reflection and visualization of our preferred future. Hardy provides a map for deep journaling by filling each chapter with questions for reflection.

(7) Critical role that associations play in life. Refuse to be the “smartest guy in the room” and put self in an environment for growth. Build a team of “empathetic” witnesses and encouragers around myself and be that person for others. This is what I’d call “being known by love and serving as a voice of hope for others.”

(8) Be aware of the danger of initial success and achieving a certain level of status. These can kill off future growth. WE move from goal achievement to status/income/image management/protection.

(9) When pondering the meaning of our past experience (good and bad), remember Sean Stephenson’s final words: “This happened for me, not to me.” (146)

(10) Recognize the physiological effects of suppressing emotions and painful experiences.

(11) Absolute necessity of new challenges, meeting new people, and learning to thrive in new environments. Refuse to be stale.

Who do you desire to be and become? What is preventing you right now from moving toward a bigger, richer, better, and more profound future? If this question raises doubts in your heart, perhaps Personality isn’t Permanent may be just what you need today to forward.

I recommend Personality isn’t Permanent with enthusiasm. 

Learning to Say "No"

It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped. - Tony Robbins

There is no decision that we can make that doesn't come with some sort of balance or sacrifice. – Simon Sinek

If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will. – Greg McKeown

Learning to Say, "No"

I’ve experienced too many times when I’ve been dog tired and feeling burned out because of taking on too much work. This has been entirely my own doing. No one forced me to accept a speaking engagement, an invitation to write an article, or an offer teach an extra class. In fact, I love to do all of these activities. The problem was that I lacked a process for making decisions about what was best. I was so committed to living out my mission that any opportunity that seemed good in the moment received a “yes” from me. The result was that I became a prisoner of my own success. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked on a project or sat in my seat moments before being called to the front and simply wished that I had never accepted the opportunity. Other times I’ve received epic opportunities, but because of my already scheduled activities I either had to turn these down or literally shoehorn them into a calendar with little margin for the rest of my life. I managed to pull these off but I often found myself under the weather, burned out, exhausted or wondering if I could have performed at a higher level if I had not been so overcommitted. Moreover, I missed out of much joy of enjoying these moments because I was always distracted by what I had to do next.

Learning to say, “No” is key for living the life of God’s dreams. If we don’t learn to say, “No” with intentionality, we will lose the freedom to say, “Yes” when a truly great opportunity appears. Of course, there will be obligations on which we must take action that involve work mandated by a superior or certain family commitments. These are not my concern here. I desire to reflect on avoiding my mistakes hinted at in my earlier confession. 

My Process for Discerning “Yes” or “No”: Default to “No” Except for these Exceptions

Here is my current process for discerning. My default answer is now “No.” It is rooted in the following principle and then filtered with three additional ones.

First, set this rule in stone. If the opportunity does not align with your goals and values, you must say, “No.” 

This rule assumes that you’ve established clear goals and know your core values. Jim Rohn wrote, “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” If you don’t know what you want and who you are, you will default into people pleasing or dollar chasing.

Second, just because an opportunity aligns with your goals and values does not mean that you say, “Yes.” 

This is particularly true if you are in a religious vocation when most invitations and opportunities will line up with your calling. 

How do you say “No” when there is an opportunity to do something good that aligns with our mission? This is the problem. Therefore we need additional filters. 

From my reading and reflection, I ask myself these three questions:

(1) Would I want to participate in the activity/project/event tomorrow? 
This question is crucial. If you would be too busy or tired to enjoy the opportunity tomorrow, you will likely feel the same way 3 months, six months, or a year from now. This means you should automatically say, “No.”

(2) If I say, “Yes” to #1, ask: “Is this opportunity an absolute life or death “must do” for me and do I feel a high level of energy that signals ‘I’m all in on this!’?” 
Derek Sivers writes, “When deciding whether to do something, if you feel anything less than ‘Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! [Heck] yeah!’ — then say ‘no.’”[1] 

(3) Last, can I reasonably fit this invitation into my life during the season it will come due? 
Learning to recognize one’s limits is critical. I try to divide my year into four quarters. I’m at my best when I’m only working on a couple projects per quarter. When I set goals for the next year, I try to spread out work and projects. Then I can reasonably accept an additional opportunity or two per quarter without burning myself out.

This makes life much more enjoyable and allows us to be at our best when we do say, “Yes.”

[1] https://sivers.org/hellyeah

The SET Method for Goal Achieving

Goals are essential for bending the future to fit our sense of calling, our dreams, and our desires. Goals empower us to be self-directed. I’ve been a generic goal setter for decades but in late 2013 I began to set better goals and my life has changed. I’ve written more books, essays, reviews, and blogs in the last five years than in my previous 15 years as a professor. I’ve gotten fitter. My relationships with family and friends are richer. I’ve even increased my income by 50%. 

Without goals, time will pass and we will wake up wondering where the years went. Without goals, the agenda of others becomes our agenda (and others frequently don’t have much planned for us other than helping them achieve their goals). Without goals, we will expend the majority of our energy and time on tasks that don’t bring true satisfaction and growth. Without goals, the dreams that we have deep within will lay dormant and whither.  

What do you truly want? What do you deeply sense you were created to achieve? What are God’s dreams for your life? 

In this post, I will introduce you to the SET Method for setting and achieving goals. In coming weeks, I will breakdown the process more deeply and offer hacks to help you gain exponential results.

The SET Method  is a three step process:

S: State your goal as a positive target. What do I want?

E: Explain the "why" behind it. Why do I want to achieve this goal

T: Take Action. "What can I do NOW to move forward?"

First, State your goal as a positive target. Ask: What do I want to achieve? Establish goals for different parts of your life: family, finances, spirituality, work, fitness, and fun. It is critical to set goals for what we really want and not merely what we should want. We must also not settle for goals that are easily achievable. I used to make the mistake of making my goals for the next year more of a “to do” list of my obligations than a true set of targets that when achieved would lead me to true growth as the person I was created to be and bring deep satisfaction in my life. Go for the moonshot rather than aiming for getting 10 feet off the ground. Don’t just look for 5% improvement. Be audacious. When we shoot for the moon, we may not make it but we’ll likely be much higher off of the ground than if our goal was simply to attain lift off.

So what do you truly want? Write these targets down using positive language. In other words, don’t set targets to avoid or flee from; set targets that pull you forward. For example, if you are presently deeply in debt, don’t state your goal merely as “I want to get out of debt.” If you achieved this, you would only have made it to $0. Instead, focus on achieving financial abundance. Be specific and include the date when you’ll achieve this. For example, I want to increase my income by 50% by Dec 31. Increasing your income would take care of your indebtedness and help you build a more robust future.

Now we are ready for step two: Explain the “why” behind your goal. Too many of us make the mistake of trying to figure out the “how” of achieving a goal. The “why” is perhaps more critical because it is the “why” that will drive us to discover the “how.” Think about our above goal of increasing income by 50%. What is the “why”? Perhaps its to provide a better life for one’s family. Perhaps its a desire to have more wealth to fund a non-profit. Find your “why” and write it down. It will become the inspiration that motivates you to achieve the goal. But make sure that you are descriptive and multi-sensory in describing your “why.” See your children smiling and laughing while enjoying a family vacation paid for in cash with the increased resources. Feel your own joy in having a more secure financial footing with a positive net worth. 

Last, Take action. You’ll know that you’ve nailed the “why” when you are chomping at the bit to move to the final step. Our “why” inspires us to find the “how.” We do this by taking actions that move us toward the goal. Immediately work out an initial plan of action. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Sketch out daily/weekly/monthly activities. Then, review your goal and your “why” and take action daily. If your initial plan doesn’t seem to work, revise and keep moving forward. Focusing on our sample goal of increasing income by 50%, here are some possible actions: ask for a raise, request overtime, start a side business, begin studying a new skill or topic that will allow you to earn more over time. Focus daily on the “why” to keep yourself energize. If your initial plan does not pay dividends, make revisions until you succeed.

This is the SET Method in its basic form. Stay tuned for more specific breakdowns and tips regarding each of the steps.

© 2019 Brian D. Russell