Review of Personality isn't Permanent by Dr. Benjamin Hardy

Personality isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D. (Portfolio/Penguin, 2020)

This is an important book. Benjamin Hardy takes us on a rich exploration into personality and challenges the dangerous assumption that we are fixed types. This book argues powerfully that we are never merely the sum of our past. 

Hardy’s key argument is this: “[Successful people] become who they want to be by orienting their life toward their goals, not as a repeat of the past; by active bravely as their future selves, not by perpetuating who they formerly were.” (p. 9)

I’m a coach and I have used DISC, Enneagram, and Myers-Briggs assessment to help clients grow themselves and their teams. I’ve seen myself grow so I’ve always been careful not to coach people as though they are “stuck” wherever they find themselves. 

This is where Hardy’s work is so important because he writes as an expert in organizational psychology. His work provides compelling teaching on the limitations and dangers of using assessments to categorize people in ways that limit them.

There is always a fear that each of us is merely whatever our “type” is as though we are limited and defined by a self-reported score at a given moment in our history. I had a friend who was denied a promotion in a company simply because he didn’t have the DISC profile of a leader. 

Hardy helpfully dispels the myth of innate or determined personality. These tests may give us insights into our preferences or even provide a snapshot of where we are in a given moment, but it is a grave error to believe that any person is limited because they score X on a personality assessment.

Moreover Hardy presents research that demonstrates that our present and future self is not caused by our past. Or as he says in opposition to Shakespeare: the past is not prologue or at least it doesn’t have to be. Hardy writes for a reader who desires to make changes to her or his life. The good news according to Hardy’s research is that we are not limited by our past experiences. In fact, the key to a new future is our ability as humans to choose a new future and make decisions about what our past means.

Here are the the promises that Hardy makes to his reader (p. 10):

-Discover the myths of personality that limit most people’s potential

-Decide for yourself the life you want to live, regardless of how different it is from your past or present

-Become emotionally flexible so your past no longer defines you

-Reframe your trauma to believe and live like everything in your life has happened for you and not to you

-Become confident enough to define your own life’s purpose

-Create a network of “empathetic witnesses” who actively encourage your to continue moving forward through your highs and lows

-Enhance your subconscious to overcome addictions and limiting pattters

-Redesign your environment to pull you toward your future rather than keep you stuck in the past

Readers of leadership and self-improvement books will detect some of the standard coaching ingredients in the above list. But Hardy adds a key element lacking in much of the literature–his work is research based. Hardy is a recent Ph.D. graduate from a major research university (Clemson). He understands rigorous research. 

He is in a unique space because in addition to his academic credentials, he has worked hard at the craft of writing. His prose style is easy to read and substantive. Moreover he is an entrepreneur with a successful seven figure business. 

But it wasn’t always this way for Benjamin Hardy. He had a traumatizing upbringing. But he found a way forward. He has “skin in the game.” His book is a roadmap to his own journey from humble beginnings to a successful marriage, family, and business.

In other words, Dr. Hardy is a voice worth investing the time required to give Personality isn’t Permanent a careful read.

The chapters build slowly and methodically. I appreciated the illustrations of persons who moved from positions of struggle to success. As Hardy guides us, he includes questions that help us apply the lessons immediately and directly to our life so that we can move forward.

Dr. Hardy delivers on his promises. 

Key takeaways for me:

(1) We need to create labels for ourselves in light of our goals and not limit our goals to a label given us on an assessment

(2) Our personality is dependent on the environment in which we find ourselves. This book challenges us to put ourselves in environments that enhance and support our goals and not merely one’s that reinforce limiting and fixed beliefs.

(3) Personality tests “are fast food for the soul” (55). They give easy answers to explain why a person is or isn’t successful. In other words, they can serve as an excuse for taking true growth, assuming responsibility, and taking action to achieve one’s deep goals.

(4) I’m challenged anew to ask: “What do I really want? What is my highest purpose? Have I found a massive goal that will pull me out of bed everyday with purpose and passion?

(5) Need to focus on one massive goal rather than on a collection of smaller goals. Play big.

(6) Reinforced the essential role that journaling plays in growth by keeping our goals on the front burner and creating intentional space daily for deep reflection and visualization of our preferred future. Hardy provides a map for deep journaling by filling each chapter with questions for reflection.

(7) Critical role that associations play in life. Refuse to be the “smartest guy in the room” and put self in an environment for growth. Build a team of “empathetic” witnesses and encouragers around myself and be that person for others. This is what I’d call “being known by love and serving as a voice of hope for others.”

(8) Be aware of the danger of initial success and achieving a certain level of status. These can kill off future growth. WE move from goal achievement to status/income/image management/protection.

(9) When pondering the meaning of our past experience (good and bad), remember Sean Stephenson’s final words: “This happened for me, not to me.” (146)

(10) Recognize the physiological effects of suppressing emotions and painful experiences.

(11) Absolute necessity of new challenges, meeting new people, and learning to thrive in new environments. Refuse to be stale.

Who do you desire to be and become? What is preventing you right now from moving toward a bigger, richer, better, and more profound future? If this question raises doubts in your heart, perhaps Personality isn’t Permanent may be just what you need today to forward.

I recommend Personality isn’t Permanent with enthusiasm. 

The Power of Silence and Solitude Practices (Walking and Talking Spirituality #10)

Arthur Schopenhauer observed, “Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.”

Schopenhauer’s words are powerful because they remind us of our high capacity for self-deception and for misunderstanding the world around us…

We all limit ourselves (often unconsciously) through beliefs, patterns, and values that if someone else voiced them we’d immediately recoil. Some of these block the work of God’s grace in our lives and leave us stuck and frustrated.

How can we gain the self-awareness to open ourselves up fully to the work that God desires in our lives? How do we open ourselves up to the expansive and abundant life that God promises?...

I’ve found that intentional practices of silence and solitude are critical…

There are two practice in particular that serve as the foundation for my rule of life: centering prayer and journaling.

Virtually every morning, I practice the prayer of silence (Centering Prayer) for at least 20 minutes. I’ve been doing centering prayer for 4-5 years in shorter blocks of time but have committed to a full 20 minutes for over a year now. It’s been transformative.

If you aren’t familiar with centering prayer, here is a link to my YouTube Playlist on Centering Prayer: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzah82ipRosZFW9XZGN2Cb9ZBUOW8zYTP

I also advocate a intentional journaling practice.

Mine include three elements:

1. In the morning, I write down five things for which I’m grateful. I’m specific and try to “feel” emotion as I write down my gratitude list. 
2. I then listen carefully to my body. Do I feel any discomfort or anxiety? I try to write about whatever it is that I think is bothering me. This gets my thoughts and feelings down on paper. This process has slowly unearthed much junk and poor thinking. 
3. At night, I write down at least three “wins” that I experienced during the day. There is always some takeaway or accomplishment if you look carefully. This is true even on the “bad” days. 

What practices help you to live expansively as God’s ambassadors of abundance?

Centering Prayer as Appreciation

Often my centering prayer sessions don’t seem to accomplish much. My mind continually bounces around. I rehearse past hurts. I think about my task list. I make plans for today’s meetings. I gain ideas for projects. I have little sense of the presence of God. In a word, I’m distracted.

Yet perhaps these are actually the best days. After all, centering prayer is not about me and my thoughts. It’s about entering a space outside of my control where I may encounter the living God. The sessions, when my brain interrupts incessantly, become opportunities to learn anew about surrender. In these moments I release whatever captures my attention and return to a posture of waiting. This may happen dozens of times in a 15–20 minute time of centering prayer. Yet each recitation of my prayer word serves as an occasion for training in faithfulness and love. 

Jesus' Model

When Jesus was hungry in the wilderness, the tempter pointed to the presence of an abundant number of stones (Matt 4:1–4). He suggested that Jesus use his power to turn them to bread. Jesus reminded the tempter, “One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

Jesus’ hunger was real. He had just completed a forty day fast. Yet he released it by reciting Scripture as a way of moving away from temptation. 

The tempter then presents Jesus with two additional tests. As in the first scene, Jesus quotes Scripture and stays focused on God’s mission. It is no coincidence that angels appear and attend to Jesus’ needs (4:11). 

The Practice of Self-Denial and Surrender to Silence

Centering prayer teaches us a similar process of self-denial. Don’t mistake this for masochism or crass asceticism. God is not cruel. God is love. The greatest hindrance to our spiritual transformation is ourselves. The process of self-denial prepares us for the deep work that God desires to do in us. Jesus recognized this and modeled a way forward.

Our thoughts are the obstacles that distract us from the work God desires to do in us in solitude. But we must not fight our thoughts. This would be our work. Instead, we calmly use our prayer word “Jesus” to recenter.

A friend recently asked me if sessions full of distraction frustrated me. The truth of the matter is they do not at all frustrate me. Instead they are the days where I learn the most.

Don’t get me wrong. My soul loves the moments of deep contemplation where I become lost in God’s love. It is transformational to experience and receive God’s unconditional acceptance. It, however, is also transformational to learn continually the lessons taught by silent surrender.

On those days when I’m constantly lost in thought, I learn to focus on appreciation rather than expectation. I remember that centering prayer is not a tactic for engaging God. It is a way of being in which I consciously surrender in love and gratitude to God. I let go of all things that may hinder me including the expectation that I’ll encounter God during my time of prayer.

Releasing thoughts is an act of faith. I trust that God has my best interests at heart. Therefore, my future does not depend on avoiding being lost in a continuous stream of thoughts or even in my ability to recollect the thoughts I released in prayer. 

Appreciation and Growth

After such sessions, I’ve learned to appreciate the silence. By releasing the expectation of automatically encountering God in each session, I’ve found that growth happens. The prayer time is not about me after all. It is not a work. It is rest in the presence of God. Just as the biblical sabbath envisions life apart from work, centering prayer is an invitation to let go of all human busyness and activity to rest in God. 

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Amen.

If you are interested in learning more about centering prayer, here is an introductory video: 

Two Pathways for Embodying Success

Most people desire to be successful. This begs a couple of questions: What do we mean by success? What does a successful life look like? 

I want to share my two favorite definitions. Both have helped me.

Success as Pursuit of a Goal

First, Earl Nightingale known as the “Dean of Personal Development” describes success this way:

“Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal or ideal.”

I resonate with this definition because it reminds us that success is more a journey than a destination. It involves setting goals as we talked about previously, but notice that Nightingale includes the word “ideal” as a synonym for “goal.” 

In other words, a key to success is establishing a large vision or ideal on your horizon that will guide you in your growth. Jim Rohn puts it this way: “You want to set a goal big enough that in the process of attaining it, you become someone worthy becoming.” 

When we think about success in this manner, we will realize that instead of asking, “How long will it take to achieve?,” we need to ponder, “I wonder how far down the road I can get in this lifetime?” This outlook transforms our life into an unfolding adventure of purpose and possibilities. Success then is not merely about money or past accomplishments. Success becomes a compass and an engine that keeps us moving forward and enjoying the journey.

Success as Maximizing Potential

John Wooden was one of the best coaches of all time in any sport. He led the UCLA Bruin’s men’s basketball team to an unprecedented 10 national championships over a twelve year period including a run of seven consecutive years. 

Wooden’s genius as a coach and teacher is found in his definition of success:

"Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to become the best you are capable of becoming."

Amazingly, Wooden never talked about winning games or championships. In his mind, if his players worked harder on themselves than on winning games, success took care of itself. He focused his practices not on beating the opposition but on the development of the skills, teamwork, and character of his players. 

One of Wooden's other maxims was “Make each day your masterpiece.” Wooden knew that there will be challenges and that sometimes our best will simply mean that we climbed out of bed and went to work. But regardless of the circumstances of the moment, success is found in giving all that we can muster.

How would you live differently if your goal each day was simply to make your best effort in growing toward your potential? Imagine the satisfaction and fulfillment that comes from realizing that life is about growing into the person you were created uniquely to be. There is no competition with others. Instead of competing, try to view head to head challenges as opportunities to assess current progress rather than in terms of winning and losing. The only true loser is the one who gives up or doesn’t try their best. In fact, reread Wooden’s definition and observe that you could potentially win and still not be successful because you gave less than your best.

Action Steps

Which definition of success do you most gravitate to? Why?

What is your big dream? 

Who is God calling you to become? 

How will you take the first baby steps today on your journey of success? 

What can you do or learn today to create a slightly better version of yourself than you were yesterday?

© 2019 Brian D. Russell

Writing Life Changing Goals

"Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible." Tony Robbins

One of my favorite quotations about success and achievement is from the pen of Jim Rohn. He wrote, “You want to set a goal that is big enough that in the process of achieving it you become someone worth becoming.” We thrive in life by having a target at which to aim.

Aim for the Right Target: A Personal Warning

A critical key for an abundant life is to make certain that you are aiming at a target that you truly desire to hit. I can remember working on a book project for six years. The writing had been interrupted for over a year because of my need to focus on healing and solo parenting following a painful divorce. By the time I returned to the manuscript, it had become burden rather than the passion project it had once been. Writing became a matter of “grinding out” words rather than feeling inspired and in the flow. When I emailed the final manuscript to the publisher, I felt more relief than joy. Even worse, the next morning I awoke feeling down and empty. I had achieved a target, but it ended up being one that I didn’t truly desire.

Guidelines for Writing Life Changing Goals

As you dream about your future, here are some guidelines to help you discern your goals:

(1) Make sure that you truly want it. 

Is this a heart felt personal passion or is it something that you only think you should do?

(2) State your goal in the positive. 

This practice keeps you focused on what you actually want rather than what you are trying to avoid or change. Observe the difference between these two statements: I want to stop eating fried food. I want to eat healthy, organic, whole foods. One statement puts into your mind the practice you want to avoid whereas the positive goal focuses you on what you actually desire.

(3) Be specific and descriptive. 

State what you want as specifically as possible. Rather than say, “I want a job that pays more money” say, “I want to work in the healthcare industry and earn a salary of $100,000 per year.”  An even better one would be for example, “I desire to work as a highly paid ($100,000+) physical therapist in a well respected private practice in a growing suburban area in the southwestern U.S.” Notice how you can see, feel, and even hear what the achievement of the rewritten goal is like.

The problem with the original goal of earning more money is that you could achieve it by simply finding a job that pays $0.01 extra per hour and you’d achieve it. 

(4) Make Sure that It is in Your Power to Achieve It. 

If your goal depends on the actions or response of anyone/thing other than yourself, you may have to rethink it. It must primarily be your actions that drive your achievement of your goal. 

(5) Reflect on How the Achievement of the Goal Would Affect your Life. 

This brings us full circle to the opening Rohn quote as well as the story about my book. Achievement is about the person we become. How will I need to change to achieve my dream? What will it take to acquire the skills and knowledge required to take action? Does it align with my highest aspirations and ideals? Will it positively or negatively affect my relationships? Am I prepared for the different life that I will need to embrace to achieve my goal? 

I look forward to hearing about your successes. Just imagine how good achieving your dreams would feel.

For a broader look at Goal Achieving, see my essay “The SET Method for Goal Achieving.”

© 2019 Brian D. Russell

Learning to Say "No"

It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped. - Tony Robbins

There is no decision that we can make that doesn't come with some sort of balance or sacrifice. – Simon Sinek

If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will. – Greg McKeown

Learning to Say, "No"

I’ve experienced too many times when I’ve been dog tired and feeling burned out because of taking on too much work. This has been entirely my own doing. No one forced me to accept a speaking engagement, an invitation to write an article, or an offer teach an extra class. In fact, I love to do all of these activities. The problem was that I lacked a process for making decisions about what was best. I was so committed to living out my mission that any opportunity that seemed good in the moment received a “yes” from me. The result was that I became a prisoner of my own success. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked on a project or sat in my seat moments before being called to the front and simply wished that I had never accepted the opportunity. Other times I’ve received epic opportunities, but because of my already scheduled activities I either had to turn these down or literally shoehorn them into a calendar with little margin for the rest of my life. I managed to pull these off but I often found myself under the weather, burned out, exhausted or wondering if I could have performed at a higher level if I had not been so overcommitted. Moreover, I missed out of much joy of enjoying these moments because I was always distracted by what I had to do next.

Learning to say, “No” is key for living the life of God’s dreams. If we don’t learn to say, “No” with intentionality, we will lose the freedom to say, “Yes” when a truly great opportunity appears. Of course, there will be obligations on which we must take action that involve work mandated by a superior or certain family commitments. These are not my concern here. I desire to reflect on avoiding my mistakes hinted at in my earlier confession. 

My Process for Discerning “Yes” or “No”: Default to “No” Except for these Exceptions

Here is my current process for discerning. My default answer is now “No.” It is rooted in the following principle and then filtered with three additional ones.

First, set this rule in stone. If the opportunity does not align with your goals and values, you must say, “No.” 

This rule assumes that you’ve established clear goals and know your core values. Jim Rohn wrote, “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” If you don’t know what you want and who you are, you will default into people pleasing or dollar chasing.

Second, just because an opportunity aligns with your goals and values does not mean that you say, “Yes.” 

This is particularly true if you are in a religious vocation when most invitations and opportunities will line up with your calling. 

How do you say “No” when there is an opportunity to do something good that aligns with our mission? This is the problem. Therefore we need additional filters. 

From my reading and reflection, I ask myself these three questions:

(1) Would I want to participate in the activity/project/event tomorrow? 
This question is crucial. If you would be too busy or tired to enjoy the opportunity tomorrow, you will likely feel the same way 3 months, six months, or a year from now. This means you should automatically say, “No.”

(2) If I say, “Yes” to #1, ask: “Is this opportunity an absolute life or death “must do” for me and do I feel a high level of energy that signals ‘I’m all in on this!’?” 
Derek Sivers writes, “When deciding whether to do something, if you feel anything less than ‘Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! [Heck] yeah!’ — then say ‘no.’”[1] 

(3) Last, can I reasonably fit this invitation into my life during the season it will come due? 
Learning to recognize one’s limits is critical. I try to divide my year into four quarters. I’m at my best when I’m only working on a couple projects per quarter. When I set goals for the next year, I try to spread out work and projects. Then I can reasonably accept an additional opportunity or two per quarter without burning myself out.

This makes life much more enjoyable and allows us to be at our best when we do say, “Yes.”

[1] https://sivers.org/hellyeah