Episode 12: Wesleyan Theology Counseling & the Dynamics of Forgiveness with Dr. Virginian Todd "Toddy" Holeman

In this week’s episode, Dr. Virginia Todd Holeman helps us to understand the interplay of Wesleyan theology with the practice of therapy as well as the dynamics of forgiveness and an embodied spirituality. We also talk about common blocks and blind spots to God’s grace. 

Bio: 

• B.S.Ed., Bloomsburg University, 1975

• M.A., Wheaton College, 1979
• M.A., Ashland Theological Seminary, 1986
• Ph.D., Kent State University, 1994

Dr. Virginia Todd Holeman (Toddy) is professor of Counseling. She has taught at Asbury Theological Seminary since 1995.

Dr. Holeman received a Ph.D. at Kent State University. At Asbury Seminary, she has served as associate dean of the School of Theology (1999-2004); acting dean (2004-2005); and is presently the chair of the Counseling and Pastoral Care Department. She was the 2003-2004 recipient of the seminary’s Excellence in Distance Learning Teaching Award. She is a licensed professional clinical counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Kentucky. Dr. Holeman is the past president of the Kentucky Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

She has published several books, including her most recent, Theology for Better Counseling: Trinitarian Reflections for Healing and Formation(IVP Academic, 2012), which was selected as a CAPS Book (Christian Association for Psychological Studies). Dr. Holeman’s research interests include interpersonal forgiveness, repentance and reconciliation, counselor education and supervision, and integration of psychology and counseling.

Books by Dr. Holeman:

Inside the Leader’s Head: Unravelling Personal Obstacles to Ministry (with Stephen Martyn, 2008): https://amzn.to/3fcCI58

Reconciliable Differences: Hope and Healing for Troubled Marriages (2005)  https://amzn.to/2YlLRl0

Theology for Better Counseling: Trinitarian Reflections for Healing and Formation (2012): https://amzn.to/2MNJoKU

Books Recommend by Dr. Holeman

Tolkien The Hobbit 

 and The Lord of the Rings Trilogy https://amzn.to/2AqQmCT

Miroslav Volf Exclusion and Embrace: Revised and Updated: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation https://amzn.to/3heCxrz

— Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace https://amzn.to/2ATkQxl

Wisdom for the New Year: Forgiveness (Dear Kittens #35)

(I write my daughters aka "kittens" a short letter each week under the pseudonym "TOC"="The Old Cat". We've always had cats so this rubric works for us. My daughters are both in high school. I try to distill the wisdom gained from my 47 years that I wish I'd have learned when I was a teen.)

Dear Kittens,

I’ve held too many grudges over the years. Grudges do nothing but keep us tied to painful memories of the past. There is an alternative to holding on to past pain. The alternative is learning to forgive.

Forgiveness is key for experiencing the life that God desires for us. Forgiveness is at the center of the prayer that Jesus taught his earliest followers. Jesus invites us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we have forgiven our debtors” (Matt 6:12). Jesus’ words assume our willingness to forgive others. Jesus emphasizes the necessity of forgiveness in the verses that follow his prayer. In Matt 6:14–15, Jesus adds, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Jesus’ intention was not to scare us into forgiving others. Rather Jesus highlights the important role of forgiveness for enjoying an abundant life. The irony of refusing to forgive is that we actually hurt ourselves. Lewis Smedes wrote, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Forgiveness does not mean that we minimize the pain we have suffered. It is not a white-washing of the past. It does not mean that we continue to allow ourselves to be mistreated by others. It does not always mean a full reconciliation with the person(s) who hurt us. Instead forgiveness is a refusal to allow another’s action to bind us to the past. By forgiving, we release junk that weighs us down. Kittens, if we want to move forward in life, we have to unclog our inner being. Grudges, old wounds, and memories of past pain serve only to weigh down our hearts. When we hold on to past pain, we turn our inner space into a warehouse of dusty and unused junk. When we forgive, we clear out our storehouses and create space for new good things.

As we move into a new year, I encourage you to spend a few minutes reflecting on your own memories of pain. Who has hurt you? Make a list of persons that you may need to forgive. Consciously remember how they hurt you. Don’t make excuses for their actions. Instead, think about how you’ve had to grow to overcome these events. Then begin to forgive each of these people one by one. Start with the easiest ones to forgive. This may not be an easy process. It may require the shedding of a few tears. It may have to occur without the other person ever apologizing. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a decision. Make the decision to forgive and over time God will take care of your feelings.

Maya Angelou wrote, “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” She is giving good advice, kittens. Take it. I am.

You may find it easiest to begin by forgiving yourself for not being perfect. Remember you are enough Kittens. Always. Since you are enough, you can forgive others for the hurts you’ve suffered. This will open up the future for you in ways that will astonish you.

With much love,
TOC

If you would like to be added to the mailing list to receive new "Dear Kittens" notes as soon as I write them, email me at brian.russell9113 at gmail.com

How the Psalms Understand and Deal with Human Sin: Pss 32 and 36 as Case Studies

One of the presuppositions of Scripture is that humanity is lost apart from the grace, love, and kindness of God. God’s grace and love manifest most fully in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus our Messiah. Due to human sin, we all find ourselves living with the fruit of our own actions as well as the actions of others (past and present). Sin manifests itself in guilt, shame, alienation, brokenness, and injustice. God’s mission is to reverse the results of sin by creating a missional people through whom God will bless the nations (Gen 12:3, Exod 19:5–6, 1 Peter 2:9). The Risen Jesus sends us into this world. Paul summarizes the plight and possibility of our world this way: “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,  and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Rom 3:23–24).

How do we pray as we seek to live faithfully in our lost and fallen world? Psalms 32 and 36 focus on human sin and wickedness. They address this issue from two different perspectives. Both are psalms of lament, but they have different intentions.

Psalm 32 is a lament for the forgiveness of sin. It serves a key role in the psalter by teaching us how to pray when we as God’s people act unfaithfully and find ourselves in need of God’s forgiving grace. Psalm 32 models a prayer of confession so that we can experience God’s cleansing grace anew and refocus our lives on God’s mission.

Psalm 36 is a lament about wickedness. It is similar to Ps 1 in its stark contrast of two diametrically opposed ways of making it through the world. Psalm 36:1–4 paints a dark and bleak picture of the world and humanity apart from God’s grace. It locates the cause of sin in a self-centeredness that plagues men and women. No good comes from this way of life.

In contrast, the second half of the psalm focuses on the beauty and love of the LORD. Sin, self-centeredness, and alienation do not have to be the final verdict on life. In fact, it is pointless and illogical in contrast to the lavishness of God’s grace, love, and faithfulness that is freely available to all who seek the LORD.

As we reflect carefully on these two psalms in the next two blog post, we have an opportunity to ponder sin on one hand and God’s love and grace on the other. Both are present in the world, but only God’s love will be for all eternity. At this point it is worth reflecting on this question: What would it look like for you to settle the issue of sin and begin to align yourself fully with the love and grace of the LORD?

A Prayer for Forgiveness: Learning to Pray Psalm 6

¹ Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.
² Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
³ My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

⁴ Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.
⁵ Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
    Who praises you from the grave?

⁶ I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
    and drench my couch with tears.
⁷ My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
    they fail because of all my foes.

⁸ Away from me, all you who do evil,
    for the Lord has heard my weeping.
⁹ The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.
¹⁰ All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
    they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.
Psalm 6 is another individual lament, but it is a new type of lament. Psalm 6 is the first of seven psalms that the church has traditionally understood as prayers for the forgiveness of sin. The others are Psalms 32, 38, 51, 102, 130, and 143. So far the laments of Psalms 3-5 have assumed the innocence of the psalmist. In Psalm 6, the source of the problem is the psalmist himself. In this psalm, he offers a model prayer to help us in those times that we have fallen short in our love for God or neighbor.
 
As we read this prayer, let us recognize the costly effects of sin and recognize that God hears our prayers. As followers of Jesus, we know the familiar words of 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” This is a promise of grace. But such promises are not a license to sin. Our sin is costly both to ourselves as individuals, to our communities, and to the world that God calls us to serve.
 
The psalmist begins with the consequences of sin in view. He pleads with God that the consequences be lightened by mercy. Verses 2–3 describe the psalmist’s internal anguish over his actions. Whatever the psalmist expected to gain from his wrong actions have not proven worthwhile in light of the suffering that his actions have brought. Verse 3 is poignant, “My soul is in deep anguish.” We may understand “soul” as “my being.” The psalmist is in torment and pleads for grace, “How long, LORD, how long?”
 
Verses 4–7 give the specifics of the psalmist’s prayer. In verse 4, the pray-er roots his hope for grace in the LORD “unfailing love.” This is one of the core attributes of God and means “faithful love” or “love that won’t let us go.” It is the basis for the relationship that God has with his people.
The psalmist is desperate for God’s grace because he has reached the end of what he can endure. His sin has produced bad fruit: fear of death, weariness from groaning, weeping rather than sleeping, and exhaustion. Furthermore, v. 7b suggests that he is also suffering at the hands of others. It is not clear whether these are more enemies such as we’ve seen in Psalms 3–5 or if the foes here are members of God’s people who are heaping guilt upon their fallen brother or sister. Regardless, the psalmist lays it all out before God.
 
The psalmist anticipates release from suffering and sin in verses 8–10. Scripture is clear: God forgives sin. This is true in the Old Testament and New Testament alike. It is good news for the psalmist. The psalmist looks forward to the scattering of his accusers. The psalmist also now testifies to the grace and mercy of God. This is good for all creation. Once sin becomes past tense the story of God’s forgiveness becomes a powerful testimony to a world in need of recognizing that God invites all to come to him for healing and restoration.

How has the psalmist’s sin affected him?
 
How does this psalm teach us to pray when we have sinned?